Ally: I asked the question to cover my fear, and that is in vain
—- Sharing on 2-day retreat (2R6), 2014/10/04 to 2014/10/05
I suffered from menstrual pain before heading to the retreat site on Friday evening, and I was not sure whether to attend the retreat. Anyway, I went to the retreat site because I was the organizer of this event, and I had my schedule arranged. When I completed the preparing work for the retreat, my mind was more ready or settled for the retreat.
For the first three sessions in the first day, I was totally in drowsiness. Linda asked me, “Have you had enough sleep now?” I was so embarrassed and replied, “ I did not make the effort.” So I started to put effort into the question, into the doubt, but I did not do it continuously. It was like I asked, took a break, then fell asleep. I was sleeping, awaking, but not doubting.
Onto the second day, I told myself to work on it. In the morning, I was asking, reminding myself to ask the question, and asking and reminding. I did not feel any doubt feeling but just asked and reminded. Then the leg pain started. I was struggling with my leg pain like in a tug of war. I made my every effort to ask, “How is it possible that leg pain is no self? What on earth is no self?” I did not face my pain truthfully. The whole sitting session was a tug of war. Then my menstrual pain came back in the afternoon, I kept questioning “ What is no self?” and felt nothing, but kept on and on, “ How come menstrual pain is no self? What is no self?” A lot of complaining ran into my mind, I still asked “ what is no self?” but I did not sense that this complaining me is so real, and how come this real me is no self? I did not work on my mind. Instead, I asked the question to cover my fear, and that is why all my efforts are totally in vain.
In the two days, I was too worried and scared to face the reality, I did not know how to deal with my fear, but I was not aware of this at all. This 2-day retreat makes me realize that I did not face my questions truthfully. I found it is so difficult to face myself sincerely. I need to work on my mind and to be brave to restart my Zen practice. **** check more Students’ Sharing ****
