Ally: Focusing on doubting, I had no fear
I knew this 3-day retreat long before, and I made time for it. I came to the retreat with my teacher’s reminding,” Doubt right at the first second when arrival.”
In the first session of the first day, I fell asleep right when I started to doubt. By the end of the first day, it seemed that everyone was suffering leg pains but not me. I slept for about half a day and totally forgot my teacher’s reminding. I made up my mind to doubt better in the next day.
Then came the second day, what a new day. I was renewed to doubt. Umm…I had doubt, had wondering thoughts, and had leg pain. I remember the first session in the afternoon I was focusing on my doubt in the beginning. However, there are kids playing around in the backyard and the strength of my doubt turned weak. My leg pain started. I became to focus on my method and doubt on the feeling that I felt right at that moment “How come there’s an ‘I’ who is attracted by sound? How come there is an ‘I’ feel so annoyed? ….I….I…I? What is no self?” I focused on doubting. Every breath turned into my doubt. “?” Every thought turned into my doubt. “?” Every moment turned into my doubt “?” All my wondering thoughts and leg pain went away. The doubt itself was continuing all the time. What left was a concentrated doubt.
In the third day, I woke up earlier before the wake-up bell. I went downstairs and started my sitting meditation. The sky was still dark, and I was alone without company. Suddenly I was so scared. Then I thought I was sitting in a church facility and probably God would protect and bless me. I decide to doubt on “how come there is an ‘I’ who is scared?” Because I was focusing on doubting, I had no fear. All I knew was that I was doubting. My doubt was so stable which led me to very still and deep doubt. All my life was nothing but doubt. I doubted in this way for a long time, then I had a mind movement, “how come I get hungry? Should I get off my cushion?” I struggled for a little bit and decided to get off my cushion to eat. But as soon as I left my cushion, I regretted and felt myself stupid to let go the great chance to doubt. In the following sessions, my doubt and my leg pain were just like two teams racing in a tug-of–war, pulling as hard as they could to the end.
I learned from the 3-day retreat that my doubt was too weak in my daily life, and I should root my doubt deeply and grow the sapling of doubt in my daily life. ***** check for more Students’ Sharing *****