Ally: I ignored me; I did not face my true feelings
—- Sharing on the 3-day retreat (3R3), 2015/04/18 ~ 20
Friday evening, Linda asked me a question, “How would you practice during this retreat?” I answered, “Practice on my difficulties.” Linda said, “Wrong! You must practice in every minute; you must doubt in every second!” So I did not think too much, and I doubted simply.
One of my jobs in this retreat was countertop cleaning and snack supply. On Saturday morning, Linda asked me, “Do you use food tongs to grab peanuts?” I said, “Of course not, I use spoon.” Then she pointed the food tong in front of a box of peanuts to me. It was like a bolt from the blue. I ignore the details when I am busy and nervous, and this is the same situation when I meditate on cushion.
That afternoon, in one sitting session, I found I was a coward. I was afraid to change. I thought I was brave to try new things, but I was not what I thought. And this me, is this me no self? How is it possible? What on earth is no self? I felt so strange, so annoying. ….???
Sunday before the dinner, Linda told me that I did not open myself to watch my mind movements. When I took out the trash after dinner, I found so many voices within me. Is this “complaining me” no self? Is this “angry me” no self? The situation was totally different from Saturday. I completely ignored me and finished the job as quickly as I could when I took out the trash on Saturday, and I did not face my true feelings. But now, I looked at it, look at my mind movements. Now, this me, is it no self? I felt so strange. I used this me, me at this moment, to doubt in that evening.
In the evening, Linda told us, “There are various manifestations of doubt feeling. Why are you stuck in one lover?” I suddenly found I was exactly like that. I knew I just don’t know what no self is and that is all about the doubting meditation, but I grabbed on the doubt feelings anxiously. I felt safe when I grabbed the feeling. I thought only that kind of feeling was doubt. I learned all these manifestations were me. The question is how is it possible no self?
I heard my heartbeat quickened in one session on Monday. Soon as I sat on my cushion, I asked, “Is this nervous me no self?” There are three or four manifestations of me at a time, the one who is comparing, afraid, and worry. I labeled on each me and doubted on it. However, it turned out that I did not doubt on the me at that moment.
On Sunday morning, I was fighting with drowsiness, wondering thoughts and myself. It was a chaos, like stuck in the hell. I wanted to escape from it badly. Linda asked about my practice during lunch time. I told her I could not wake up from the drowsiness. She told me I did not work hard to open myself. In that afternoon, I worked hard to complete this retreat. All I learned from this retreat is, now I know, I need to face my own problems sincerely. **** check more Students’ Sharing ****