Brad: Yes, I found an “arrogant I” (the 3-day retreat experience in March 2014)
It was my first time to attend a retreat. In addition to some wonderful experience, in this retreat, I, more clearly, saw myself which used to be covered and ignored in my daily life.
Before the retreat, I just practiced for three months with shallow meditative experience. However, in the first session, I had a very wonderful experience which broke my record of 40-minute sitting session, I got into quietness that I had never experienced before, and I was fulfilled with joy. However, this kind of good things was not really a good thing. I was so attached to this experience that, in the following sessions I had the feeling that “I keep looking back, yet I never meet it again”. But basically, I was happy about the first day.
Just like returned to army life, the intensive schedule started from early morning in the second day. My shallow meditative experience was facing a strict challenge from the second day. My legs were so painful from the very first session, and things went worse in the following sessions. I found I could not conquer the pain, did not know how to deal with it, or did not have the determination to deal with it. However, when I faced the most challenge in my life (I felt I was dying in that moment. But what strange was when the session ended and I stand up from the cushion, the pain would not bother me and disappeared immediately. However, in the next session, the pain came back again), the “I” who was covered with education and manner, at that moment, arose up and complained “Why do I come to this retreat? How terribly long is a session?”(This complaint was so strange because it was just a day prior that I enjoyed the breaking through and felt I achieved something. So it should be the same time length?)
Suddenly I felt “I “, and even I thought that I had destroyed the castle of this “I,” there were still very thick steel walls beneath the ground.
When encountering with this horrible pain, it seemed that I had no choice but to make up my mind to deal with it. So in the afternoon, I forced myself to pay my whole attention to deal with it. I felt no more pain in my legs and self-satisfied. It was my teacher who pointed out my problems and told me that my method was totally wrong, otherwise, I would be so arrogant. Yes, I found an “arrogant I”.
The retreat was a great opportunity to face myself completely, or more precisely, to see the prototype of myself. Until the last session, I could not wait to go home. But did it mean that all problems were solved? Umm…what an interesting experience. ***** check for more Students’ Sharing *****