Ellen: My doubt emerged, my real five seconds!
—- Sharing on 2-day retreat (2R6), 2014/10/04 ~ 2014/10/05
It seemed that I could involve myself in a meditative mood quickly, probably because we had a tight schedule and also because we checked in and started meditation in the prior evening before the 2-day retreat, although we just had two days and I did not have a deeper experience.
I had been meditating for years. But in recently months, or even longer, I found I was stuck at some certain level. In this 2-day retreat, the teacher clearly pointed out my problem that I did not continue my doubt after I relaxed my body and mind. Actually she had repeated this again and again before the retreat but I just did not discover it.
In the past years, I found I could quickly relax my body and mind at beginning of sitting session, but I fell asleep as soon as I lost my awareness. This is totally useless though my body is capable of continuing longer sitting sessions.
At the first day, the teacher reminded me several times, she asked me, “What to do when you find you are sleeping? You are supposed to continue your question. The sleeping me is no self? What is no self? Do not be afraid of your falling asleep. You just come back to your doubt. You are not supposed to get rid of the sleeping me. Instead, even this sleeping me is no self? “
Here came a session that my doubt was just like what the teacher described, dry out. I repeated the question but felt nothing, completely tasteless. Suddenly, I asked myself “I came here for what? Isn’t that I come for asking this question? What question? The true nature of my life! It’s my true nature! What is no self? “My doubt emerged. That was a real doubt, a clear doubt, and a doubt that I want to know. The “five seconds” I had in a prior class appeared again. This is my own doubt, my real five seconds!
Although I fell asleep again after the five seconds, I learned that I want to continue, to connect these “five seconds”, and focus on my doubt consistently and unitedly. For me, this is the very important lesson to work on. **** check more Students’ Sharing ****