Eric: How can I define myself without these outer stuffs? ( the 3-day retreat experience in March 2014)
It was my first time to attend a 3-day retreat at the end of March. When I turned in my handset and watch at check in point, I was so panic. Although I had already known this was a necessary procedure, for a person who was always checking cell phone and watch like me, I did not know how to deal with it. Also, it was a big challenge for my mind. It looked like the intensive sitting sessions drove me to focus on my practice, yet in my mind I was so caring about the student protest movement down the mountain. When the first day ended, if I told you that I did not have any “slip away” ideas, I would be lied to you.
In the second day, I found myself always attached to the outer world, to the relationships with others, to my handset, to the worldly information; by all these attachments, I confirmed my existence. I was so panic in the second day because I was wondering how could I define or identify myself without these outer stuffs? Maybe the most achievement I reached in the 3-day retreat was I found out that I relied on all these outer stuffs to confirm or identify my existence.
I was so anxious about things happened in my families from the end of last year. I was wondering that when things were not turned out as my expectation, then what would be left? So I started my meditation. In the beginning, I thought that I had attended Zen classes in The None Zen Center, so I would, step by step, understand the meaning of my existence. Later on I found it was not that easy. Listening to lectures is one thing and doing or practicing is another. One more thing I learned from the 3-day retreat is simply sitting is not an easy thing. Even just the leg pain would consume one’s will.
Although I did not have deeper meditative experience, I at least learned that I could “sit”. All I need to work on is to keep my doubt simple and clear, and continue my practice. It would not be an easy thing. I know I have my road to travel.
Will I attend the next retreat? I would say that I still have hesitation yet I definitely will attend continuously. ***** check for more Students’ Sharing *****
