Jeremy Yo: You thought you were in a real doubt, but you were actually dull…
——– Sharing on the 2-day retreat (2R5) from June 14th to 15th, 2014
I was supposed to feel easier to take this two-day retreat because it was shorter than the last three-day one; however, I was more nervous a couple of days prior. Was this because Linda said in class that we needed to become enlightened during the retreat? To me, it was like a goal that was out of my reach, so it might not be the reason. Or was it because Jeremy and Linda were going to lead the class together? It seemed normal to be in a strict environment, it would be very strange not to instead. This shouldn’t be the reason. Was it because I was afraid of leg pain? I had already known that my legs would hurt very much this time, which I have suffered since a long time ago. This is not a big deal to me. Well, this shouldn’t be the reason, either. What on earth made “me” nervous? What was I running away from? What was I scared to face? Or was it because I want to reach something?
I was nervous and worried, driving up the mountain, until I checked in to the retreat. I saw that other classmates had arrived already and said “Ha!” in my mind, knowing that there were people doing such a silly thing together with me. What a bless! It was so great. I didn’t know what was going on, but I felt sure after I set my cushion down on the classroom floor. My feeling was that the whole thing was just about asking the question, “What is no self?” and I didn’t know the answer. It happened that I had such a long time to explore it thoroughly.
As I anticipated, my leg started hurting from the first session on Friday night. Before, I would think in this way, “Why are my legs so painful? There is an “I” whose legs hurt so much. How come there is no self? What is no self?”, and then struggled with my pain. It seemed easier this time. My legs hurt and I straightforwardly asked what no self is, and then I struggled with my pain. Haha..well, it sounds similar. Terrible!
What else annoyed me? The well-known wandering thoughts and imaginations. It was known that doubting mediation or Huatou (ch.), which denotes the practice of asking what no self is from the bottom of your heart and with all the efforts of your entire life, rising the feeling of doubt, and forming a storm of doubt surrounding yourself. I just didn’t have any feeling of Huatou or doubting mediation. My wandering thoughts poured down, like a waterfall. The things happening hundreds of years ago came out to mess up my meditation. Of course, when this situation happened, there was only the question, “What is no self?”, left to ask. Eventually the question was not even necessary. At that time, Teacher Jeremy asked us again, “Who is feeling good now?” And then I was disturbed again. Terrible.
What else troubled me? Of course, if you don’t have the feeling of drowsiness, it doesn’t mean you are not drowsy, but you, simply, are not aware of it. When the deep drowsiness came to you, it was just like being in a coma. Did you need to feel guilty after you woke up? No. Don’t waste your time. It would be realistic to keep practicing. What even troubled me was the subtle drowsiness which is hard to be detected. You would think you seemed to be in a real doubt, but you were actually dull and didn’t doubt at all. You were so stupid to think you did the right thing. Terrible.
This situation repeated again and again each session. My mediation was fine at the beginning of each session. But in the final part of each session, I sometimes had leg pain and wandering thoughts; sometimes I had leg pain and drowsiness; sometimes I had leg pain, wandering thoughts and drowsiness altogether. I used up all my energy. Finally, it was so miserable to unfold my legs. Terrible.
This is my sharing of the two-day retreat. It sounds painful and horrible, but I felt fully recharged each time after the two retreats I have attended. It seems that I know the different “I”. If you ask me whether I will attend the retreat again, my answer is “Absolutely”.**** check more Students’ Sharing ****