Jeremy Yo : When I felt drowsy, I needed to raise my attention up to maximum
—- Sharing on the 3-day retreat (3R3), 2015/04/18 ~ 20
I did not join the retreat until Sunday evening because I had things to do on Saturday and Sunday. I felt a little bit guilty and was touched by my fellow students’ diligence when I arrived at the retreat site and saw my fellow students sitting there practicing Zen.
The retreat had begun from Friday evening, so till Sunday evening, everyone was traumatized under Linda’s strict training. I just arrived. For me, the sessions in Sunday evening were just a warm up and ended up very quickly. When hearing my fellow students’ sharing about their most successful doubting meditation of the day, I found all of them were so diligent in their practice.
I felt very drowsy Monday morning. Linda asked me to open the drowsiness, check it delicately, and see how many “I” within it. It sounded difficult, I answered, “But I was very drowsy….” Not allowing me to finish the sentence, Linda blamed me immediately, said that I was irresponsible. Yes, I was just making excuses. I should try it anyway. From that on, the key point of my practice was to open the drowsiness. As I anticipated, it was not only sounded difficult, but also difficult to practice. How can you open the drowsiness when you felt drowsy all the way? Linda reminded me of my drowsiness with her Zen stick all the time. It is so terrifying when you turn your head away from the thing you don’t want to see, and yet there comes a person who always turns your head back to make sure you look at it and face it.
Onto Monday afternoon, I knew it was my last chance to practice, I knew Linda would combine several sessions into a long one, and I knew I would make up my mind not put down my legs. Linda said, “Just open your drowsiness, and that’s it.” But it sounds so abstract. It would be great if it is just like clicking the mouse for two times. The fact is, when I felt drowsy, I needed to raise my attention up to maximum to watch my mind movements. At that moment, what I saw was my impatience, my unbravery, and my escape. The story did not end up here. Consecutively, I needed to ask, “There are so many I, how come no self? What is no self?” I needed to keep asking and could not stop at any point. Then, Linda would say, “Yes, that’s right. That’s it.” I think I just opened my drowsiness for a very short moment else Linda would not keep reminding me with her Zen stick.
It is just simply open my mind to know myself, yet it is very exhausted. All I can say is there is no such awesome thing of free lunch. I look forward to next retreat. **** check more Students’ Sharing ****