Jeremy Yo: Did not devote 100% effort to practice? So devoted 100%! (the 3-day retreat experience in March 2014)
What? 3 days? My goodness!! This was my reaction when I heard about the 3-day retreat. My previous experience told me that daylong class, practicing from morning to afternoon, was killing me already, the 3-day retreat definitely would be beyond endurable. But, deep in my mind, a voice told me that I should apply for it and there must be something more than pain.
It was not surprising that the first day is an intensive version of our previous daylong programs. I had taken some daylong programs before, and I had that experience that physical pain lasting from morning to afternoon. But this time, I felt the pain was lasting from morning to night, and I was exhausted. During sitting sessions, was I really conducting doubting meditation? Did I keep on doubting? Or was I just dwelling in drowsiness? I bet I was just dwelling in drowsiness. Who cared? At lease, the pain itself proved my existence.
It came to the second day. There were so many sessions waiting there to test me. I needed to figure out how to deal with these sessions and I decided to make some experiments. For a whole session, I did not do anything but to watch how painful it would be, it turned out very very very painful. I used another session to watch how many wondering thoughts I would have. I counted when every time I was aware a thought arising from my mind. I counted to 100 then I gave up—- I got it; this was so-called “wondering thoughts flying around”.
When I waked up at the third day, I was so happy because finally, it came to the last day. Ha! I was still alive. I thought that I was dedicated in doubting meditation, but it turned out that my practice was fragmentary. I was either suffering the endless pain or my wondering thoughts. I never devoted 100% to doubt, never put my whole body-and-mind to doubt. However, I have been through all these faults and all these turned into useful experience for the upcoming practice sessions. Felt painful? Just let the pain kill me. Distracted by wondering thoughts? I could neither drive all these wondering thoughts away when they came to me, nor could I keep them to stay with me when they went away, so why should I bother about them? Did not devote 100% effort to practice? So devoted 100%! Did not dedicate my whole body-and-mind to practice? Just dedicated whole body-and-mind! My 3-day retreat then ended up in this way. ***** check more Students’ Sharing *****
None Zen Center 無有禪社 