Lisa: “I” was drinking. How come it is no-self!
—- Sharing on the 3-day retreat (3R4), 2015/06/13 ~ 15
Friday. During meditation, I just kept asking: “What is no-self?”. Whatever thoughts came up, when I awared, I tried to ask: “This, no self?”.
I continued to ask this way whole day Saturday.
Sunday. I felt quite peaceful during the morning sitting. There was not much thoughts. To this quiet state, I continued to ask “This, no self?”
After breakfast, Linda said I should put more effort into asking, which meant to ask more concentratedly. Therefore, in the following sessions I had tried to ask “What on earth is no-self?” harder. During the break, I felt “I” was walking. (This, no self?) “I” was drinking. (How come it is no-self!) And, of course, there were thoughts. (This is no-self?)
I was pretty tired at the last session in the afternoon before dinner. I felt drowsy and could only try to ask: “This is no-self?”
Monday morning. I continued to ask hard on “What on earth is no-self?” Sometimes I could feel my body was tight. When I tried to relax certain part of the muscles, Linda would say “Continue!”. Did it mean I shouldn’t even relax the body? Anyway, I continued to ask with all my strength.
Then I heard Linda said: “A little bit more.”. So I tried to ask more concentratedly: “No self?”. Suddenly, I entered a state which was very concentrated. And certain kind of emotion arose. (I had experienced heat arose during other sitting session before this.) I couldn’t, and didn’t, tell what kind of emotion it was, but tears falling down afterwards. I didn’t pay attention to it either. Since I had similar experience in the last 3-day retreat and had learned not to dwell on sensations, I just kept on asking “This, no self?” based on the situation. What on earth is no-self!
And then, suddenly there was only this “strongly wanting to know” left. I really don’t know what it is, and I really want to know. I even came up a thought: “If I could not get the answer, I will not stand up.” Not long after this, the bell rang, Linda called me for interview. She told me to be aware of every thoughts coming up and ask “This, no self?”, with or without language, in sitting meditation as well as in daily life.
In the afternoon, it seemed I could not ask as hard as in the morning, yet the question was still there. I found I wanted to repeat the same situation as in the morning. However, I also knew that it is impossible for us to repeat anything. While I awared of my “wanting to repeat”, I asked: “This, no self?” **** check more Students’ Sharing ****