Longquan: The more I grabbed, the more I feared
—- Sharing on the 3-day retreat (3R3), 2015/04/18 ~ 20
April the 17th, at the first night, the teacher told us that during the retreat, we shall make every session, every minute, and every second count.
My doubt was somehow stable during the daytime on April the 18th, though mixed up with a few blankness and drowsiness. It got worse in the evening. The blankness of fear and drowsiness appeared. I started to grab on the sensation of doubt. Gradually, my sword of doubt became heavy, and my blankness, drowsiness and wondering thoughts were getting more and more.
When I woke up on April the 19th, I intended to change the situation. But as a matter of fact, the more I grabbed, the more I feared. I got more and more drowsiness and blankness. I totally lost my sword, and all I had was my shield—- I strengthened my body purposely. I totally lost my practice method. The teacher reminded me again and again, but I could not understand her at all. Anxiety and frustration emerged.
Onto the last day on April the 20th, I was so frustrated that I sat like a human model cardboard waiting for the retreat to end. I totally lost my confidence. I felt so ashamed that I did not reach any achievement when I practiced with such good teacher and fellow meditants.
I reviewed my practice and found:
- I did not doubt continuously. I was not mindful. I had too much blankness.
- I was so dying for grabbing the sensation of doubt that I lost my method.
- I had myself stuck in duality, but not focused on the method of doubting meditation.
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