Longquan: Is this the selfish I? What is no self?
—- Sharing on the 3-day retreat (3R4), 2015/06/13 ~ 15
I used to make phrases to doubt, like “This me is so real. How come this me itself is no self? What is no self?” Right in the evening when I checked in the retreat, the teacher told me that I should directly doubted on “What is no self?” In the beginning, I would come back to make phrases as I used to do. When I was aware that I was making phrases again, I asked “Is this I who depend on the old habit no self? What is no self?” It seemed not so difficult to doubt directly after the evening sessions. I was wondering why I was so afraid that I was not capable for this method. Isn’t I the person who need to face this timid me? And is this me no self, too?
The terrifying drowsiness appeared on the 2nd day morning. I was agitated by the emotion of worry and struggling. I did not doubt directly on “Is this me no self?” Most of time, I went back to make phrases, “Is this me who is afraid of losing doubt and going blank no self?”, “Is the fact that afraid of facing the drowsiness no self?” For the whole day long, the teacher reminded us to focus on the mainstream of doubt, not just making phrases, and put 100% efforts on the practice and 100% honesty to face ourselves.
Onto the afternoon when we trim weeds outdoors, the teacher asked us to stay under the shadow of trees to avoid the sunshine heating. But there gathered so many mosquitoes in the shadow of trees. To prevent myself from the bites, I wandered around under the sunshine. Is this the selfish I? What is no self? In the sitting sessions in that afternoon and evening, I became more aware of the “wandering I” and more clear about my doubt.
I still felt drowsy sometimes in the third day morning. I was not so afraid to face the drowsy I. I faced it frankly and doubted on “Is this drowsy I no self?” Every time when I was aware of I, I doubted on “no self?” I could simple doubt on no self, though still felt a little bit of “feeling nothing” and “sticking”. At least I reached what the teacher said, “to continue, to focus” I also tried to “acknowledge every I” because “It is no way to find no self if you deviate from yourself.” I needed to use my every effort and strength to focus on my doubt.
I felt a little bit blue on the last day because the retreat was about to end up. I did not have much time left and I felt pushing. I pushed myself to focus on the doubt every second. Still there are a lot of Is emerging out, but I just doubted on them in every session. I doubted day by day. I could feel that my practice was different from before, although I did not have a great progress. But I know I need to insist and work hard on my practice, and I will be able to focus longer on the simple doubt. **** check more Student Sharing ****