Lore: I am often not there (the 3-day retreat experience in March 2014)
It was my first time to take a 3-day retreat. When I looked back to it, to be honest, the 3-day retreat was not that scaring as I thought. It was more likely that I was scared by my imagination.
However, the pain in my legs was so real. It made me feel that I could not go any further anymore.I was familiar with this thought because when I attended daylong programs before, this thought came in the final one or two sessions. In this 3-day retreat, the same thought arose in me.
There were many times I made up my mind and decided keenly that I’ll let the pain kill me, just as the way Linda told us so many times. But upon the deepest pain came to test me, I immediately changed my mind and think “ oh, it’s too horrible! I can’t! Maybe next time.”
Actually, the pain did not happen from the first session. In the first day, I hardly experienced any pain. The pain woke up in the second or third session of the second day. Since the pain was back, whenever I was not really doubting, the pain accumulated. So the later, the more painful.
My doubt was not stable. Sometimes I could doubt without asking any question, but sometimes it disappeared without any reason. I often feel fear when my doubt disappears. I would afraid of falling asleep, lost in the daydream/blank, the pain’s coming back, and if I could not doubt again. So I often “make” doubts by myself. However, the materials or things in the outer world that I used to “make” doubts may run out, and the doubt “made” from the outer world always became ineffective when I was exhausted. Another funny thing is that, the materials I used to make my doubts are things I do not like or don’t want to see in my daily life, however, in difficult moments like this I truly found though I always wanted to get rid of them, they were always there with me. All these problems are so loyal and never betrayed me. I felt sorry for my behavior and attitude toward them.
Another lesson I learned from this three-day retreat is to acknowledge the truth that I am often not there. The preparing work of this project, and the lessons Linda taught me during the three-day retreat finally made me find this problem of mine. I can start a doubt but often don’t carry on intently till the end. I know the theory, and I have some right concepts, but I usually don’t complete it thoroughly. Because of this discovery, the blanks between my doubts reduced consciously. And because I can, more often, find myself drop from my doub, and it is me, not someone else, who dropped from my doubt, I do not have any excuse left. In fact, my teacher taught me this in classes so many times, asked “ Who dropped? Who’s the person?” or “ Falling asleep? Who’s falling asleep?” But it is until now I realized the meaning, and admit I am that person who should be responsible for everything.
Overall, there really is no time for me to waste. ***** check for more Students’ Sharing *****
