Sam: I wanted them stop distracting me and stop seducing me!
—- Sharing on the 3-day retreat (3R3), 2015/04/18 ~ 20
Time flew by very fast in this retreat. It was probably because I didn’t count the time, and I just had the sitting sessions one after another.
I thought I practiced doubting meditation the first day, but later I found most of the time I dwelled in drowsiness unconsciously. It was until the end of the sitting sessions when I opened my eyes, I woke up. One time when I opened my eyes and looked at the white wall in front, I had no any wondering thoughts but a strong feeling of unknowing.
When I experienced that this sensational world is composed by various me (I saw, I heard, I smelled, I thought…etc.), I found there is always an “I” functioning. I have so many “I” and I have such a big “I”, how is this possible no self? The teacher reminded us to go further to open the every mind movement of “I”, to see if any sensation or emotion which we have never known hidden behind. It turned out that I found my selfish notions (my greed, anger, delusion, arrogance, and suspicion) behind my every and each thought. When I opened the thought that “I was blaming my colleague’s inefficiency”, I found an arrogant I was angry. I thought I just heard the sound of a dog’s bark, but when I looked into my mind I found I was impatient about it. When I was thinking about continuing the second session, just at that moment, in a couple of seconds, so many pros and cons of whether taking a break or not were calculated in my mind. When I decided to sit for two consecutive sessions, the sound of my fellow students stepping on the wooden floor and making massage exercise caused me angry. I wanted them stop moving immediately, stop distracting me and stop seducing me!
It became easy to doubt when I found so many I and I just had no idea of no self. However when I was not eager to know the answer, I just chant the question and even worse fell in sleep. Probably because I had enough sleep the first day, my drowsiness was fragment the second day. I struggled between drowsiness and doubting.
Onto the third day morning, I sat for two consecutive sessions. Until that afternoon, the three kind of mind movements of “exhausted”,” hanging in there”, and “ taking relief for packing home” twisted in my mind. I stretched my legs during the short break of the 3-consecutive session, continued my meditation with this complicated heart, and even so, all I could do was asking “Is this I who hurt to trembling no self? “
I became more deeply aware that there is always an “I” anywhere and anytime after the retreat, so I could doubt in daily life. When I encounter complicated situation, for example, business meetings, I still just follow my mind movements like I did before, but I can be aware of “I” when I am eating alone or engaging simple dialogs with others. **** check more Students’ Sharing ****