Sam:This kind of “mind power” is totally beyond my expectation
—- Retreat Sharing, 7-day retreat (TP7R1), June 4 – 11, 2016
I tried to follow Shifu Linda’s instructions during the retreat. It seemed I had different experiences every day. And no matter what kind of experiences I had in this retreat, they were something I never thought about, or different from my imagination.
There were four instructions from Shifu Linda impressed me most.
- Every doubt is a new start.
I wouldn’t feel stressful since every doubt was the doubt, and was a new start. What I needed to do was to focus on this doubt, and each by each. Taking each doubt as a new start, I felt like I still had the strength to go on even when I was tired, impatient or terrible.
2. To use the last strength to doubt.
During the last few days of the retreat, it was so exhausting to sit for consecutive sessions. When wondering thoughts emerged, or when I felt exhausted or wanted to release my legs, that meant I still had strength to think, and I didn’t collapsed yet. That also meant I had last strength to continue. And I just continued. When I focused on keep doubting, or even on chanting, the strength emerged naturally, therefore I could continue to doubt. This was beyond my imaginations.
3. You are your results.
When Shifu Linda talked about the meaning of Karma and said,” You are your results, you can make decisions!” I was shocked a little bit. Therefore, whenever I was mentally or physically exhausted and wanted to give up, as long as I knew I still had last strength, I could still make choice. So I chose to continue because I didn’t want the fixed results like falling asleep or giving up.
4. Doubt on my mind
Previously, my doubts were mostly related to my daily life or my family, or I just wanted to know how come no-self was completion? Then Shifu Linda asked me to doubt on my mind, to connect the doubt with myself. So I doubted on the weak, evasive, frightened me─ “How come these me is no-self?” Then Shifu Linda asked me what the difference was when I doubted like this, I could not answer the question at first. However, during the last few days, I realized that when my doubts were related to “how come no-self was completion?”, it seemed I was looking outward for an answer. And to ask ” How come this painful me is no-self?” was even more just like a shield. So when my sitting practice was stable, I was always distracted and disturbed by the stable feeling, and I couldn’t continue doubting. And when I doubted on my mind, it seemed the unknowing feeling was like an arrow shooting back to myself again and again. So I feIt like l could concentrate on doubting more.
On the third day, when I was so exhausted that I felt I had no strength to continue, to focus, not even to “chant” the doubting question, I knew that I could not stop and stay there (I dared not to stop nor hang myself in blankness) I wanted to release my legs but I dared not to. I was in a dilemma and couldn’t do anything. Suddenly I felt I was so weak! After the 7-day retreat, I realized that my heart is so weak. I easily feel tired, want to give up, want to hind behind my wondering thoughts. It is just between the two questions of “no self? and “no self”, my wondering thoughts emerge; it is just between my inhaling and exhaling, I lose my concentration. I am not that strong as I think.
On the other hand, as long as I choose to use my last strength to keep asking the doubting question, my strength will emerge, so that I can keep practicing for a longer period. This kind of “mind power” is totally beyond my expectation.
It seems that it is until now that I know the method of doubting meditation. **** check more Student Sharing ****
